A Hole in the Drywall: Masculinity, Therapy, and Accountability
The hard stuff
Early on as a therapist, I had a client, let’s call him John, who wasn’t sure therapy would do anything. John, a middle-aged cis male, was very much a man’s man. He worked a dangerous, physical, demanding job. John had some doubts about whether just talking about things could help in any real way, and he was even more uncertain of his ability to open up about the hard stuff. In our first session, I explained a bit more about how the process works. I explained the benefits that can come from greater self-insight, an outsider’s third-party perspective, and the power of putting vague ideas into concrete words. I explained that problems don’t tend to go away by ignoring them. And then John said something that surprised me. He said he was open to doing that kind of work, that he was open to looking inward to learn about himself and see where adjustments can be made. He said:
“When there’s a hole in the drywall, you don’t just put some duct tape over it—You go in with the right tools and you take care of it properly.”
John had created his own metaphor for the process, in his own language. I’ve borrowed his metaphor with other clients since, with his permission, of course. Because it does something the clinical framing often doesn't: It makes the responsible choice obvious.
The shifting story around men and therapy
I am not here to point to what men are doing wrong or what they are deficient in. I am here to shine the light on what men are already doing right so that we can continue to build from it. Also, this story is about more than only cis men. It’s about anyone who follows a blueprint of what “masculinity” means to them or anyone who identifies as having a clear masculine part.
There is a long standing narrative that men, by and large, resist therapy because it goes against “traditional” concepts of masculinity. That men and masculine people prefer to be stoic, to solve their problems by themselves, and to hide anything that can be seen as “weak,” “vulnerable,” or “sensitive.” There's a stack of research from the early 2000s that backs this up, and there's some truth in it.
More recently, however, the cultural conversation and emerging research are pointing towards something the old story missed. The relationship between masculine values and help-seeking has always been more nuanced. The assumption that men don’t reach out for help because they prefer to simply push down their emotions is both over-simplistic and incorrect. Instead of just searching for how to stop bottling things up, many men are using therapy to actively build self-reliance.
How masculine values like accountability drive mental fitness
Three words come up repeatedly in the research on masculine norms: control, self-reliance, and responsibility/accountability. Avoidance of showing or sharing emotions is in the mix too. Counter to the old narrative, there are ways in which masculine people are incorporating values like accountability into the process of reaching out for help.
Rather than positioning therapy as standing in opposition to self-reliance, many men are citing therapy as a way to increase self-reliance. To increase their capacity to be responsible for themselves and dependable for loved ones.
The conversation is shifting. More men are speaking about the importance of being personally accountable for their own mental health by taking action to address concerns. They’re working on emotional regulation, on specific coping tools, and proactive communication with partners, family, and friends. They can walk away from therapy more self-sufficient than before because they have new skills to weather the storms that come their way. They are better able to be the kind of person who can be relied upon by others.
Breaking the stigma: Why men start therapy
The research also shows something that I think every man who is uncertain about therapy should know: men are more likely to reach out for help, either personally or professionally, if there are men in their social group who have already done it.
Men are more likely to start therapy when a male friend or family member has shared about their experience with it. It shows them that they are not alone. It shows them that it is okay, and even aligned with their values, to take that step.
It also means that you could be the one to inspire someone else.
Maybe you don’talready know men getting mental health treatment. Maybe you are going to be the one to take that brave first step, to be a leader among your peers, to show others that, yeah, “I do care about being dependable and accountable and able to weather what comes my way, and this is how I’m going to do it—by working with a mental health professional.”
When something isn’t working right, you fix it. You don’t ignore it. When you don’t know how to fix something, you learn from someone with experience in that trade. When there’s a hole in the drywall, you examine the extent of the damage and you make sure to take care of it properly, because it’s the responsible thing to do.
Ready to fix what is breaking?
If you are ready to take that first step, I offer a free 20-minute phone consultation to see if we are a good fit. I am located in Lincoln Square, Chicago, and can be seen using you BCBS PPO or Aetna PPO insurance.
If you're reading this for someone you love
Send them this link. Sometimes the right words from the right place is the tipping point.
Matthew Sooby, MS, is a therapist at InPowered Therapy in Lincoln Square, Chicago. He is accepting new clients, in-network with BCBS, and offers a free 20-minute consultation.
Research informing this post
This post draws on three lines of research on men, masculine norms, and help-seeking behavior:
Foundational work in the early 2000s establishing the original "men avoid help-seeking" finding (Addis & Mahalik 2003; Galdas et al. 2005).
More recent work re-examining that finding through the lens of how men describe their own experience, and how masculine values like accountability and responsibility are actually integrated into help-seeking (Seidler et al. 2018; my own research on masculine norms in help-seeking, presented at the Midwestern Psychological Association).
Work on the alternate language men use to describe psychological distress (Vickery 2021), which will be the focus of an upcoming post in this series.
Full citations available on request.
